Bank of America apology letter (Borowitz style)

November 2, 2011

A Letter from Bank of America

An Apology to Our Customers

NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report) – The following letter was sent today by Bank of America to all of its debit card customers:

Dear Valued Customer:

As most of you probably know by now, last month we instituted a $5 monthly fee for all of our debit card users.  To say that what followed this decision was a shitstorm would be a massive understatement.

Considering that just three years earlier taxpayers had bailed us out with billions of their hard-earned dollars, it’s understandable that Bank of America was compared to a person who, as he is pulled from a burning building, turns and kicks the fireman in the nuts.

That’s why we are writing to you today with a simple message: “Our bad.”  And to tell you that we are refunding the $5 to you, effective immediately.  All you have to do is pay a simple, one-time $10 refund fee.

You can receive your refund online, or pick it up at your nearest Bank of America branch, where a teller will hand the money directly to you for a simple, one-time $15 handling fee.

If you do visit your branch, feel free to use any of our services, including our state of the art ballpoint pens and deposit slips.  (Prices on request.)

Again, accept our apologies for instituting the debit card fee.  We have learned our lesson, and we make this solemn promise: next time we squeeze money from you, we'll do it in a way you won’t notice.

Sincerely,

Bank of America