Andy Borowitz: Rick Perry Has 3 Things He Wants Us to Know

 

November 10, 2011

Three Things from Rick Perry

About Last Night

Dear American:

Okay, lookit, there are three things I forgot to mention last night.

Firstly, you should never drink before a debate.  Right after that danged thing was over I had to stick my head in the porcelain throne and that lawn gnome Ron Paul had to hold my hair.  This morning my head hurts like it was hit with a hammer in one of those movies with Larry, Curly, and… Larry, Curly, and what’s the other one?  Ah, shit.

Now here’s B: the American people have to decide what’s worse, forgetting which agencies you plan to get rid of or forgetting which ladies you tried to nail when you were running the National Restaurant Association.  I can tell you this, if somebody asked me if I remembered who I’d sexually harassed I could sure as shit tell you their names.  But please don’t ask me that.

And finally, number 3: what the hell was number 3 again?  I’ve got it on the tip of my tongue.  Nope, I’ve lost it.  Oops.

Vote for me,

Rick Perry