THE BOROWITZ REPORT

July 10, 2011

 

July 10, 2011

A Letter from Rupert Murdoch

Where I Stand on the News Corporation Scandal

Dear Friends,

As details of the scandal surrounding my company, News Corporation, have emerged in recent days – including employees hacking into mobile phones and bribing the police – my defense has been consistent: I had no idea what was going on.

Now, I’m sure many of you are wondering, how could I, Rupert Murdoch, one of the most powerful men in the world, have no idea what is going on?  The answer, my friends, is simple: I get all of my information from my own newspapers.  If you relied on News of the World, The Sun, and The New York Post for your information, I can assure you that you wouldn’t have a clue what was going on, either.

Some of you aren’t buying this argument.  You maintain that a media titan like me would get his information from sources beyond newspapers – like TV, for example.  Well, that’s true.  But in my case, the only TV I watch is the Fox News Channel.  So not only do I not know what is going on around me, I know nothing about the theory of evolution, global warming, or President Obama’s birthplace.

If you still don’t believe that I know nothing, here’s a final piece of evidence: I paid $500 million to acquire MySpace.  Case closed.

Now that we’ve established that I know nothing, let me address some of the allegations about News Corp. that have come up in recent days: first and foremost, that our reporters have regularly bribed the police to obtain information.  I am shocked and appalled by this charge.  News Corporation has a longstanding zero tolerance policy regarding information, both the getting of it and the publishing of it.  Going forward, we will be subjecting our employees to a series of random information tests.  Any employees found to be possessing even trace amounts of facts will be immediately terminated.

Finally, it has come to my attention that several of my company’s tabloids have featured pictures of women with their shirts off.  I am as shocked by this news as you are and I intend to launch a full investigation.

In closing, I want to assure you that I intend to make amends for any and all of the wrongdoing perpetrated by employees of News Corp. in recent years.  And to that end, I have plan: I implore the British government to let me own 100% of the satellite broadcasting giant B-Sky-B.  I have made some grievous mistakes with the media properties I already control, and the only way I can think of to make things right is by controlling even more.

Your friend,

Rupert