Koch Brothers Consider Purchasing First Democrat
WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Charles and David Koch, the billionaire industrialists who have spent decades acquiring a world-class collection of Republicans, revealed over the weekend that they are considering purchasing their first Democrat.
"We've always bought Republicans, and our father bought Republicans before us," Charles, the elder Koch, said. "They're bred to be obedient, and they respond to simple commands."
He said that he and his brother had considered acquiring a Democrat only after determining that none of the Republicans on offer this year was worth adding to their collection.
"It's kind of a scary proposition for us, because we've never owned a Democrat before," he said. "We don't really know what we should be looking for."
Koch said that he and his brother learned, after making some phone calls, that other oligarchs have bought Democrats in the past, and "had good experiences with them."
"That was very reassuring," he said.
But he bemoaned the absence of online consumer reviews that could help people who are, like him and his brother, interested in purchasing a Democrat for the very first time. "Yelp needs to jump on this," he said.
While acknowledging the risk inherent in owning their first Democrat, Koch said that it would probably turn out to be a better investment than some of the Republicans they have recently purchased. "It can't be worse than Scott Walker," he said.