According to current projections, every American currently registered as a Republican will be a declared presidential candidate by July 4th of this year. As it stands now, in early May, a year and a half before the presidential election of 2016, the pundits have already lost track of just who is on the roster of GOP candidates, what with so many of them jockeying for position as the bull goose loon of the psycho ward that now constitutes the Republican Party.
Every time I think they've found someone who is the nonpareil nut job, they manage to scare up someone even nuttier. There are Republicans so crazy now that some of them are even starting to make Rick Perry do a double take at some of their bullshit. For instance, when Ted Cruz echoes the latest big nightmare scenario for paranoids, the one that warned everyone that the U.S. under Obama was about to invade Texas, and when Governor Abbott of that cuckoo land on the Brazos calls out the Texas National Guard to defend his borders from the invasion of the Americans, even Rick Perry thought that might be a little nuttier than he wanted people to think he was, especially since he himself is about to join that herd of Republican presidential candidates any day now. Oops.
The Republican Party is beginning to seem like the guitar player community, a demographic where there are more players than there are listeners, or like the vast national community of amateur thespians, of which there are more actors than there are people who want to see them act in damn near every town in the country.
Some of these Republican presidential candidates are almost doing it reluctantly, of course. So many of them have heard the voice of God commanding that they go through the awful ordeal of saving the nation from hordes of thugs in hoodies, or vogues of gay men who want to break up straight marriages so they can have those straight men available as potential brides in gay weddings which will, if the Democrats' full agenda is implemented, become mandatory.
Mike Huckabee was among the more recent of those who've appeared before supporters to make his official announcement, though the suspense evaporated months ago when he gave up his sinecure at Fox "News" to engage in that coy dance political candidates all do before finally conceding that they are, in fact, going to do the thing we all have known they were going to do since they started appearing on talk shows to deny they were going to do that thing we knew they were gearing up to tell us they had been planning to do all along, but didn't want to tell us about for certain sure until they were damned good and ready and had cleared it with their families, etc.. They're like brides on their wedding night who don't want to appear too eager, or too experienced lest anyone confuse them with sluts or be reminded of that brief stint when they defrayed college expenses with occasional work as hookers.
Carly Fiorina also declared her insanity (I meant to type "candidacy," but my fingers insisted on the more accurate word), during the same news cycle that gave us Huck the Shuck's spellbinding announcement speech in which he laid down a marker for remaking the U.S. into a theocracy. Like the Huckster, Carly Fiorina is a real piece of work. While echoing notions that homosexuals shouldn't have the same rights as "normal" people, she is a walking advertisement for the notion that maybe being gay wouldn't be the worst alternative for committed heterosexuals if people like her might be the most appealing specimens her gender had to offer. Fortunately, Ms. Fiorina isn't even close to an appealing specimen in any gender, real or imagined. She is good at screwing things up, though, so those anti-government enthusiasts who think the best thing a politician can do is throw a wrench in the works will surely want to get behind her, especially when they remember how effective she'd been at running Hewlett-Packard into the ground while costing tens of thousands of people their jobs. Joblessness is one thing Republicans have shown themselves to be good at creating, so perhaps Carly Fiorina has a resume that will look good to lots of Tea Party feebs.
Bobby Jindal may or may not have officially announced by the time you read this, but he made a bid for media attention and the nut job demographic when he went to bat to maintain preferential tax breaks for the Duck Dynasty yahoos even as he continues to cut school spending to already cash-strapped Louisiana schools because, ya know, if you got better schools, how are you going to create new viewers for dipshit "reality" shows like Duck Dynasty?
Rick Santorum has also declared (what is it with the name "Rick," anyway, and why do do many right wing jerks bear that monicker?) Little needs to be said about Mr. Santorum. He thinks Barack Obama is a "snob" because he'd like to see more Americans get a college education, and he also thinks "smart people" will never be on the same side as people like him, so he's making a bid for the votes of stupid people who rejected higher education. There's a lot of those in the Republican ranks, so he may be a contender.
Then there's that nice young Hispanic candidate, Mario Rubio, the guy who can't make up his mind how he really feels about immigration policy. He's also the guy who doesn't think convicted felons should ever again be eligible to vote, though he does believe they should have their 2nd amendment right to keep and bear arms returned to them once they've served their time because, as anyone with half a brain knows, voting is much more dangerous than firearms, especially in the hands of convicted felons.
And, of course, there's that dependable ol' moderate Republican who always turns up, and then turns out to be anything but moderate. Last time, it was Romney, the "moderate" who thought nearly half of all Americans were just a bunch of lazy shits who wanted something for nothing. Moderate Mitt had a lot of other not-so-moderate notions, but the main deal with him was to carry forth the agenda that protects the loot of the likes of him, all those people who evade taxes, buy multi-million dollar jets, have more houses than they can quite remember, and elevators in their garages for all those cars they never find enough time to drive. This time around the fall-back "moderate" is another Bush, one of that family of "moderates" who couldn't quite fuck up everything entirely the last time one of them was in office, so they're offering another of their tribe to finish the job the dumber brother tried so hard to do, and almost did, what with a nation and a world on the brink of economic collapse, and a botch of things in the Middle East so entangled we probably will never see the last of the mess he left, with the help of his venomous VP, of course. Jeb Bush, this year's moderate model for somewhat less-rabid Republicans with lots of money, is his "own man," though he has a staff that is pretty much the same bunch of neo-cons who engineered the moderate miasma of the Dubya debacle.
The problem for "moderates" like Jeb is that they have a hard time maintaining the charade that they're moderate at all, especially when they have to convince the craziest motherfuckers on the planet that they are just as crazy as the rest of the candidates who are trying to make themselves look crazy enough to win the Crazy Motherfucker wing of the Republican Party, which really only has that one wing, enabled by some rich people willing to spend enough money to make it seem as though such a one-winged dinosaur can really get off the ground.
And thanks to bad election laws, voters who don't vote, and liberals who take their marbles and go home, that one-winged dinosaur manages to flap its way high enough and often enough to ensure there's always a big dark shadow over the land.
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