Still basking in the glow of her meticulously-crafted and warmly-received oration on the floor of the Republican National Convention Monday night, Melania Trump is now turning her considerable wordsmithing skills to the task of helping her husband forge his own acceptance speech, which is scheduled to be delivered to the RNC this Thursday. Thanks to a source close to the Trump campaign, this reporter has obtained an advance copy of that speech, which is published here for the first time in its entirety:
"Four score and seven years ago - in the course of human events - our father, who art in heaven - hallowed be thy name - brought forth on this continent a new nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all (and all for one). After all, it was the best of times; it was the worst of times, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. And nothing will come of nothing. Let me speak again.
"Folks, I gotta tell ya, I have a dream today. I dreamed a dream in time gone by, when hopes were high and life worth living, that we the people, in order to form a more perfect union, held these truths to be self-evident, that we are such stuff as dreams are made on, and our little lives are rounded with a sleep - safe and restful sleep, sleep, sleep.
"And speaking of people, people let me tell you 'bout my best friend, he's a warm-hearted person who'll love me till the end. And this is the end; my only friend, the end; of our elaborate plans, the end; of everything that stands, the end. In fact, it is the winter of our discontent, and all the clouds that lour'd upon our house in the deep bosom of the ocean buried. By the way, our house is a very, very, very fine house, with two cats in the yard, life used to be so hard, and it's a hard rain's gonna fall. And believe me folks, I've seen fire and I've seen rain (not to mention that raindrops keep fallin' on my head, but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turnin' red). So let every nation know, whether it wishes us well or ill, that we will pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe to assure the survival of the fittest, which is, after all, the first law of business., which you'd know if you'd read my book, The Art of the Deal, which was recently re-released in paperback and is now available through Amazon Prime for $10.29 (plus shipping and handling).
"In any case, the world will little note, nor long remember what we say here. But it will remember the Maine, the Alamo, and the 5th of November; and, most importantly, it will never forget you till somebody new comes along.
"So I gotta tell ya, folks, I've been to the mountaintop (and by the way, I made it up there faster than anyone, I mean, seriously, the fastest ever, I'm talkin' in the history of mountain-climbing). And all I can say is, my beautiful wife Melania will be comin' around that mountain when she comes, and so will my gorgeous daughter Ivanka. But anyway, when I climbed that mountain and I turned around, I saw my reflection in a snow-covered hill, till the landslide brought it down, which is why I'm suing the ski resort in question for 16 million dollars. Seriously, folks, 16 million bucks, guaranteed, 100%, and I won't be settling out of court for anything less than 16 million, that I can tell you.
"And believe me, I've seen the promised land – I'm talking the best land, from California to the New York islands, from the Redwood forests to the Gulf Stream waters (did I mention I've also seen fire, and I've seen rain?). I may not get there with you, but when you do get there, it'll be one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind.
"So don't cry for me, Ike and Tina, the truth is I never met you. All through my wild days, my mad existence, I kept my promises, which is more than I can say for Crooked Hillary and that disgusting husband of hers who's always chasing around after stray "6"s and the occasional "7". Anyway, God Bless America, God bless the United States on which it stands, and God bless me, every one."